On Quicksand Questions

So I’m sitting on the beach and this young fellow sitting near me leans over and says:

“You look like you’ve been married for 100 years. Any advice on how to maintain a stress-free marriage?”

I pondered this for a while. Of course there are many ways to respond to his inquiry. There are all the safe and cuddly suggestions that one can find on greeting cards and in made-for-TV Hallmark movies.

…You are my light that will show me the way
I’ll love you forever and then one more day…

But how about something more tangible ….and more practical.

“OK” I said. “Stay away from quicksand questions.”

“What the heck is a quicksand question?” he asked.

You know. Quicksand. Looks harmless enough but once in it you begin to sink. And the harder you struggle the worse it gets.

“I’m going to need an example” he said.

OK it might go something like this. You are sitting on the beach and your wife turns to you and says :

“Did you like the bathing suit that woman sitting on the blanket near us was wearing?”

Uh-oh!!

“Sure! I loved it!”

“I’m surprised. You usually don’t like one-piece bathing suits.”

“One piece? It wasn’t a one-piece”

“It certainly was. What bathing suit were you looking at?”

“Uhh…What bathing suit were YOU looking at?”

“The woman on our right with her three grandchildren.”

(Now all guys know that no 30 year old heterosexual male is going to notice grandma’s bathing suit. Granny could be wearing a hockey mask, flack jacket, and roller blades while smoking a cigar. He ain’t gonna notice!)

“Oh”

“Why. Which bathing suit were you talking about.”

“Umm…”

“Oh! I know. You were looking at that young kid in the bikini.”

“Well I was admiring the color. I thought you’d look great in that color.”

“You liked the color?”

“Right.”

“What color was it?”

“What?”

“What color was it?”

“Ummm… Red?”

“It was blue and white stripes!!”

See what I mean? Quicksand. In fact stay away from all fashion questions. And Jewelry too.

If your wife asks “Hey did you see the size of that ring Gilda has on her finger?!!” beware.

Because if she asks you about the ring, she isn’t just making small talk. What she’s really saying is “Hey did you see the size of that ring Gilda has on her finger?!! It’s way bigger than this piece of crap you gave me you cheap skate!”

Your best response is “No I didn’t.But that reminds me. We haven’t seen your mother in almost a week. Why don’t you give HER a ring on her cell phone and see if she wants to spend a few days with us.”

And finally you need to realize that quicksand questions are only quicksand for the males of our species. Women are immune. Quicksand questions are like the hula-hoops of questions. No sweat for the ladies. Impossible to navigate for the gentlemen.

Case in point. Four couples are sitting on the beach talking. Up walks this lifeguard and he starts talking to the little kids playing in the sand a few feet over. He was a nice looking young man. He was tall and fit. He had muscles. He had dimples. He was all tan with a mop of sandy hair. The women were impressed. “He could put his flip-flops on my blanket any time.” “He fills out that bathing suit pretty well doesn’t he?” “I wouldn’t mind having him save me anytime soon.” “He’s pretty hot!!”  A bundle of laughs. A few rolled eyes. Friendly banter back and forth. And who could blame the ladies. He WAS a good looking guy. Hell I’m straight but I’d a had a beer with him if he asked me!! The guys didn’t mind at all.

But what if the tables were turned. What if it had been a female lifeguard who had come over to talk to the kids?? “She could put her flip-flops on my blanket any time.” “She fills out that bathing suit pretty well doesn’t she?” “I wouldn’t mind having her save me anytime soon.” “She’s pretty hot!!” The men would have faced icy scorn and be mentally labeled as perverts forever by the ladies present.

Hula-hoops

“ Geesh” my young friend said. “I’d better be on my toes.”

“Just remember”, I told him. “Once women are past their early 20’s they dress not to impress men but to impress other women. Fashion and Jewelry have nothing to do with us. Discussions involving them can come to no good.

Quicksand questions. Stay away.







 

 

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